Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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