I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
