I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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