my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
