I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
