This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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