Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
