he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i think my cat just said my name.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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