just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
