if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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