she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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