Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
