this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
this just has baby written all over it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
