talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
