Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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