Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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