I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
