i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
