I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
