This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
