new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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