i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
