you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm sobbing to NWA
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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