She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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