He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
a search helicopter?!
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
