I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
