Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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