M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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