wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
