I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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