So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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