It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
