When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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