i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
