I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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