Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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