is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
