It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
