my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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