i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
