Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
