you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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