you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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