Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
