Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You're like the curious george of whores
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
