So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
