it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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