Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
