i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
