Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
