All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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