I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
