If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
